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Kennedi's Hair
Shanyi McQuilla-Robinson • Apr 03, 2021
Understanding Pain through Process
Both of my children were blessed with beautiful thick curly hair. Kennedi’s hair is super long, reaching the tip of her lower back down to her buttock’s region. She has these very tight curls that easily get all tangled up. Especially when they are dry, they coil together and can become matted if left untouched, or un-moisturized.
She absolutely loves her hair, but she hates the process of having it done. She is what we call in my culture, “tender headed.” The mere sight of a comb sends her wailing into despair. But she loves the finished product of having her hair done. It doesn’t matter if it is braided with beads that she can shake, flat ironed with curls she can bounce around, in ponytails and bobo’s, or in an afro, she loves the finished product. It does something to her, she will stare in the mirror in a deep gaze once it is done. Usually, her face is red and there is snot running down her nose from all the crying and screaming she did moments prior. But once she sees the finished result she is always in awe, like it gave her an extra boost of confidence.
But the process…. It is painful… for her
As a mom, I hate hearing her cry in pain. Now sometimes her wailing is just her being extra dramatic, and then sometimes the detangling process can pull on her scalp which will make her cry. As much as it pains me to hear my child cry, in order to keep her hair healthy and growing it must go through the process of being washed, conditioned, deep conditioned (depending on how it looks), rinsed, detangled, blow dried, and then styled. It’s not easy, I’m not trying to hurt her, that is not the plan, but she must go through the process.
Just like Kennedi, we all want the end result of the process but don’t want to go through the process because it is painful.
That is where I was in my journey to purpose….It HURT
Like really bad! I didn’t want to be in the process anymore. I want the end result, I want to get to the point on this journey where I am no longer struggling in any area of my life, Motherhood, Marriage, Ministry, or Mompreneurship. I want my books to be done and my blog up functioning and thriving. I want emotionally healthy kids and to be emotionally healthy myself. I want the end results, oh but the process.
The process is long and hard, and it hurts! It hurts to struggle with your finances and try to figure out who gets paid this pay period. My husband is a real-life super-hero, they just don’t pay him like one and being down to one income is HARD!
It hurts to try to help my 10-year-old navigate her emotions in this pre-pubescent stage of life she has entered all the while still teaching her to be respectful and virtuous. To allow her to be a child maintaining her innocence yet also teach her responsibility and accountability, and build her self-esteem, and confidence in who she is and who she will become. That is exhausting and frustrating and can hurt. Because as a mom we all question if we are doing it right.
Process.
I see the people and their success and sometimes struggle with coveting. I mean I am following what God called me to do, so why am I struggling this way? Why is she (social media person) or he (young pastor) so successful? Look at their house and kids.
But what we often fail to see, what we can’t see, is the process it took to get there.
So, what do you do when the process is painful, and you are ready to tap out? When you are hanging by a thread onto your last little piece of hope thinking to yourself it must get better.
Tie a knot at the end and hold on.
There are three things I know for sure about the process.
1.) It doesn’t last forever.
For a period it can be painful, frustrating, seemingly hopeless, long, and any other tiring adjective you want to put on it, but it is temporary. When I do Kennedi’s hair I am not there doing it for an infinite amount of time. There is a specific time frame (because I have more than one head of hair to do with being a mom of all girls, including my own) that it will take to get it done. Once it is finished, it is finished. So, know the process is TEMPORARY.
2.) It is necessary.
It has to happen. I have to wash and condition and detangle Kennedi’s hair. Imagine me not ever washing her hair. All the things that she could catch and that could potentially harm her if I did not wash it. All the bacteria and germs that could come from it. Not only that, I would have cut it off. Without detangling her hair, it would become so matted and stuck together that my only recourse would be to shave her head. This would hurt her even more. The process that you are in is developing something in you. Something you need for the next phase of your journey or something you need to let go of in order to get to the next phase of your journey. Whatever it is producing or cleansing it is necessary. God would not allow it to happen if it wasn’t.
I heard a saying from one of my college friends she said on one of her live streams. “If it’s not good God isn’t done.” Think about that.
3.) The joy of the end result is greater than the pain of the process
Think about the process of being pregnant. If you have never been pregnant, let me tell you, that 9-10-month process is not for the faint of heart. Although all pregnancies are different, there are certain things that one will experience through that process. The sickness, the pain, the uncertainty. You lose control of your body, it begins doing things you didn’t even realize was possible. Oh and the pain… I was in my third trimester writing this and the pressure from the baby bearing down into my pelvis was so strong I had to place an icepack on my lady parts… But the end result, the joy of meeting my newest princess and holding her and loving her it far outweighs all of the pain the pregnancy sent me through.
Just like Kennedi’s hair. Once I am done she is no longer focused on the pain she had to go through to get that cute hairstyle that she asked for and loves. Instead, she is now looking in the mirror, smiling at herself, telling me how much she loves it and how I am the best mom. Mind you 5 minutes prior I was the worst person ever that was hurting her, so she was screaming her head off.
But that is it. The Joy of the end result heavily outweighs the pain of the process. The more painful the greater the joy! I know the process that I am in is producing something so great and releasing things that needed to be released years ago. This is very painful. There are many nights and days that I have tears streaming down my face asking God what He is doing.
So if you are going through a process, if you are at the point where you just can’t hold on any longer, tie a knot! When I tell you the breakthrough is around the corner it is. When I tell you He is not far from you and it will soon be over it will! I know you can’t see it because you are in it. But trust Him! Trust Him! You need to tell yourself over and over and until you believe it so strongly that nothing that comes against you can shake you. God Has a plan, He is in control, and He has your BEST interest at heart.
Something you can hold on to:
Romans 8:28 All things work TOGETHER for the GOOD of those that love the Lord.
Proverbs 3:5 Lean NOT unto YOUR OWN understanding. But in ALL your ways acknowledge Him and He WILL direct your paths
Jeremiah 29:11 I KNOW the plans I have for you! Plans to PROSPER you and NOT to harm you. To give you a HOPE and a Future.
James 1:2-4 Count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work that you may be perfect and complete LACKING NOTHING.
In a session with my therapist, she told me I was safe to come undone. That was powerful. I was “safe” to come undone, to be vulnerable, to release, to let go. I did just that. I immediately begin to cry because I was holding on to so much pain. Pain from the past that God was revealing to me and pain from the present. How did she know I was holding it in? Is it because she is also a black woman born in a generation before me who has been taught the same detrimental theology? Has she also felt the weight of expectation on her shoulders to take on the burdens of the world with a smile on her face even though it hurts like hell? Never complaining, never wavering, never having a moment to be weak. Why did she have to tell me I was safe to come undone? Simple, I was raised to be a soldier just as she was. My life experience as a child, coupled with my upbringing taught me I had to be hard. That life did not give you the time or the opportunity to become emotional. Simply put, being emotional wasn’t a luxury I could afford. I was the only girl being raised in a house of men. They didn’t do crying or emotions (besides anger), and if I wanted to be accepted then I needed to put on this armor and take whatever life threw my way. Yet still, armor and all, I was labeled as emotional and told how much of a bad thing that was. This is a recurring theme in our culture. It has become customary to teach women that we are too emotional and must be strong all the time. We can never show any weakness; we can’t cry too much… You know the motto, “Be twice as smart, work twice as hard” just to get the same as our counterparts. We are taught, not only to be breadwinners and get an education, but also have and raise children, run a whole household, and be a helpmate, helping our spouses with their vision and their purpose. And do it all with a smile. We are expected to work like we don’t have children and raise children like we don’t work. Never taking a break, caring for everyone else besides ourselves. We are the ranking leaders of higher education, entrepreneurship, single parenthood, and heart disease. I don’t think I have met a black woman with children who hasn’t had a ridiculous schedule that seems entirely too much for one person. Maybe this is generationally passed from our ancestors who were forced to be strong as they watched their men beaten and hung and their children snatched away. Only to have to nurse and raise the children of their slave masters. Maybe that’s where this superhuman-like soldier strength came from. They also weren’t allowed to be weak, because that would have gotten them killed. But soldiers cry too. This past weekend I was presented with a situation that reminded me of this detrimental ideology that is literally killing us. I was keeping news some bad news away from my eldest daughter. I wanted to present the information to her in an atmosphere that allowed her to feel what she needed to feel, to cry, scream, process, and just become undone. I also needed her to maintain focus as she takes her Milestones, but she accidentally overheard a conversation and found out. So, like any good mother would after I calmed down from being angry about how she found out, I dropped everything to create the atmosphere she needed. I was in the middle of getting ready to go out with my family. I was being rushed, as is custom, but I had to nurse the baby, change her, then change her clothes, dress the 4-year-old (which is a fight), make sure my oldest had all her medication and didn’t have on some crazy outfit, pack the baby bag, and try to make myself not look like I was hanging by a thread, although I was. So, when a male in my family kept coming in rushing me knowing what was taking place, I became infuriated. I became infuriated because he was perpetuating the same mindset that I have spent years unlearning. He said to me, “Ok, that is over now, Let’s go.” It took every ounce of the Holy Ghost in me to exhibit self-control and just not completely snap. My daughter broke down, I broke down and we needed that moment to be emotional. But instead, it was quickly swept under the rug and we were told to keep it moving. It is like being shot and someone giving you a band-aid and saying "Now go back to work." When does my daughter get the time to process, feel and be vulnerable? Why are black and brown girls just expected to suck it up and keep going? In my journey of unlearning and becoming, I relearned the importance of not being strong all the time, that it is ok to not be ok. Now, I am raising my girls to not only be strong but to be weak and vulnerable. My children will know and understand there is strength in allowing yourself to feel. In the right time in the right place with the right people. No, everyone should not see you sweat but you must allow yourself the opportunity to process your emotions, and no one has a right to take that away from you. I am teaching them that there is healing and release in crying and it is ok to be weak. True strength is knowing regardless of how much you can handle, you can also allow yourself a moment to be weak. You, yes you reading this, are allowed to have your moments of weakness! In our weakness, He is made strong -2 Corinthians 12:9 That means it is OK to not be strong all the time. It is OK to need a break, to feel weak to cry. When you feel that you can’t take anymore and you can’t do it, there is someone who is there waiting for you to tag them in, there is someone there with a never-ending source of power and love that will empower you if you tap into it. There is someone there willing to give you rest and they will fight for you when you can’t fight for yourself. So, cry like the soldier you are. Take your moment, then get up and keep fighting like a girl. If the King of Kings can cry, so can you! Be Encouraged .
Yesterday was the 4th of July. It is the day America celebrates no longer being under British rule. Americans celebrate by having barbeques, family gatherings, and shooting fireworks. I have a love-hate relationship with fireworks. They are beautiful once ignited and they come in designs and styles that can light up the sky. They are also extremely dangerous, illegal in some states, and sound a lot like gunshots. Nevertheless, my two oldest kids wanted to watch and set off their own fireworks. We bought some small but very loud fireworks for them to enjoy. Other people in our neighborhood also bought fireworks. It was a show. You could look in every corner and see these beautiful light shows. Nothing particularly near our house, rather off in the distance there were fireworks galore. Once we finished shooting our small-batch, my kids wanted more. They wanted to go down and through the neighborhood and join in on the fun. If you live in Atlanta, you know that people just don’t shoot fireworks, they also shoot guns. Don’t ask me why. I don’t understand the point of celebratory gunfire. I don’t even understand why we call it celebratory gunfire. This celebratory gunfire doesn’t always end in celebration. There are too many stories of people dying by stray bullets from this form of gunfire. Every year during New Year's Eve and the 4th of July, the police department issues a warning. One that people often and seemingly always ignore. My children can’t tell the difference between the sound of a firework and a gunshot. Gratefully they haven’t grown up in an environment where they can recognize the sound of a gun. I have. My husband also happens to be a first responder. He also can distinguish the sound of a gun from a firework. So, the moment in which we realized it wasn’t the sound of fireworks anymore it was gunshots we decided it was time to go in the house and call it a night. We let the girls stay up past their bedtime anyway and now it was time for bed. When I gave them their last call, “ 15 more minutes and then it is time to go inside” here came the “But Mom” complaints and questions. They wanted to get a closer look, to be right upfront in the action. We could see all the fireworks from our yard, even through the tall trees that stand in between our houses. Still, they wanted to be closer, up close, and personal. They asked if we could walk down the street and get a little closer. Then they asked if we could just drive through the neighborhood. They kept asking, in different ways in different forms. Then, as kids who want what they want and can’t get it do, they started to complain. “It’s not fair!”, “Why can’t we go a little closer?” “We will be fine Mom.” Then they tried to convince me of ways it would be ok. “We can take a flashlight.” “It is not that late, what if we just go down the block a little?” They were so busy complaining about how far they couldn’t go, that they were missing what they were allowed to do. They were missing the beauty in what they had access to and what they could see right now. They were so busy trying to muscle their way out of the confines of their boundaries that they couldn’t see or recognize all they were able to do and receive within their boundaries. The moment those words left my lips the Holy Spirit arrested me. We, children of God are the same way at times. We get so caught up in what God doesn’t allow us to do that we completely miss everything we are allowed to do and experience where we are. We are so busy trying to climb over them and push down the gates of the boundaries He has placed us in that we miss the assignment we are currently in. We ignore the beauty of it, the lessons, the opportunity to grow. We somehow think being outside the boundary is so much better than being within. As I explained to my children ( Yes, I am that parent that believes in talking to my children, so they have clarity and understanding) boundaries are meant to protect you. Dad and I are protecting you because what you hear isn’t just fireworks. There are people somewhere near shooting off guns. We know because of the laws of gravity what goes up must come down and when it comes down, I don’t want us to be near it. So that is why we can’t go trolleying through the neighborhood. I want to encourage you that God isn’t being mean when He denies you that “thing” you want so badly. He isn’t being unfair or cruel, He is however protecting His children. You may not be able to see from what, but if you trust that He has your best interest at heart, if you trust that He will not withhold any good thing from you that is purposeful (Psalm 84:11) then you can be safe and secure in His boundaries. It is an awfully hard space to be in when what we want doesn’t align with what He has for us. I can assure you His plans are ALWAYS better. Sometimes boundaries aren’t just protecting us from outside harm they are protecting us from ourselves and our immaturity. Sometimes we aren’t ready to handle the things we want. There are still things we need to do, ways in which we need to grow to be able to fully handle what God has for us. Boundaries aren’t barriers to keep good things from us, they are God’s way of protecting us. Once I had a conversation with my daughters and explained what they were hearing and why we couldn’t go see what they wanted, they were able to see what they were missing in their moments of murmuring and complaining. They were able to enjoy what we could do, and we had a great night. I want to encourage you to take a step back, stop focusing on what you think you can’t have, what you feel you need, and see all that God is giving you now. Stop and see all that God is doing now. Rest in the fact that He wants and has good things for you, His timing is always perfect, and He is a good, good father that gives good gifts to his children. Stop and see the fireworks through the trees. Meditate on these Scriptures: Jeremiah 29:11 Proverbs 16:9 Matthew 6:26-34 John 15:16 Philippians 1:6 Philippians 4:19
If you were to survey women who gave birth vaginally without an Epidural (the medication given via a needle in the back to temporarily block the nerve endings from the waist down) to see what was the worst part of labor, I am sure they would all say the ring of fire. Not the contractions, whether they were in your back or not, not round ligament pain, not the baby kicking. It was the ring of fire. All of the aforementioned pregnancy symptoms hurt, they can even be excruciating and debilitating. But nothing feels like the ring of fire. Honestly, most women don’t really remember all the pain leading up to giving birth or even during birth regardless of the means of birth. Once we see what produced from the pain of labor, the actual pain is often forgotten. But everyone remembers the ring of fire. The ring of fire happens just as the head of the baby is crowning. What do I mean by that? *WARNING* (This may be TMI) but let’s have a little Biology lesson. The baby is pushed from the uterus where it has been for the past 38-40 weeks once it is ready to come out. In order for the baby to be pushed by the uterus into the vaginal canal, the uterine muscles must contract. Ever get a Charlie horse? Well, labor contractions are like that times 1000. They are painful. They start mild in preparation for labor then once a woman is in full blown labor they come like a rushing flood. The purpose of the contraction is to push the baby into the place that it must travel in order to be born. The contractions of the uterine wall also begin to open the cervix, where the baby actually comes out from. So while painful, even excruciating these contractions aka labor pains play a crucial and vital role in the delivery of the baby. If there aren’t any contractions then there isn’t anything that will push the baby into the place from which it needs to go in order to be born. -Let me pause for a moment so we can digest this. Although the pain you just experienced is excruciating, it is necessary because it is what is pushing you into birthing your purpose or becoming reborn yourself. With every contraction and every inch closer down the canal, the woman is feeling pressure. Pressure against her cervix and this pressure is uncomfortable. So not only is she experiencing the pain from the contractions but also the pressure from the baby moving towards the cervix. But it is that force of pressure that will aid in the birth of the baby just like that force is aiding you, and during this time she still can’t push. She has the urge to push, she wants to push, she feels like she needs to push but she can’t because the final place where the baby will be birthed from is not ready yet. A woman can’t begin to push until her cervix is fully dilated (opened) large enough for the baby’s head to get through. Now it is time to push. That final place is fully opened; the time for the baby to be born has finally come. The doctors are in position, and everyone is ready. So she begins to push, she pushes with the pressure, she pushes with the pain of each contraction, she pushes. It is hard, she wants to quit because it is so hard but she can’t. If she quits in the middle of pushing the baby dies and that baby has a purpose, that baby has a destiny that baby has an assignment. So she keeps pushing and right before the baby crowns, right before the baby is birthed, right when the head begins to peek through and it seems like finally, that time has come, she feels the ring of fire. It is said to be the worst, most intense pain of vaginal labor. When the lady parts feel like someone has thrown gasoline on them and lit a match. This is the moment where her screams get the loudest before a deep sigh of relief. The ring of fire, where all hell has just turned loose in your life. See things were all good about a week ago, (a week ago), you felt the pressure, you felt the pain but you could handle it. You didn’t have any extra money but all your bills were paid. Where you got bad news, but your faith said to trust God, so you kept smiling, where not one of your children were misbehaving so you kept pushing. But you just pushed right into that ring fire. Now what. Now your money is funnier, your marriage has hit a pothole turned upside down and you almost fell off. Last week you couldn’t live without each other and all of a sudden an offense from two years ago has come back up and now ya’ll are sleeping in separate rooms. Your loved one is sick, your children are going through something, or just acting a plum fool (that’s the country in me) every day it is something different. You have pushed so long and so hard trying to birth what you know God called you to birth and you are tired and weary and ready to throw in the towel. I mean you just can’t take any more. Maybe it’s trying to finish that degree, getting a promotion on your job, moving to a new state. Whatever He gave you. Maybe it isn’t outward pressure maybe it is inward. Maybe you’re battling personal insecurities. Maybe a fear has been brought up inside of you that you didn’t even know you had. Maybe you are battling being jealous of the people in your circle of influence because you think they are where you want to be, maybe you are battling self-doubt, self-identity, self-abuse ( did you know you could abuse your own self), maybe you are wondering if you are good enough, or maybe you keep reliving something. But it’s your mind that is causing you the pressure and making you want to quit. You are in the Ring of Fire and you need to fight through and keep pushing. Fight Through This This is the moment where It. Gets. Real. Doubt creeps in confusion creeps in; everything around you just begins to crumble. I get it. I became so frustrated that I threw my mouse at my computer (it didn’t break Thank God) But I was at my wit's end. I know what God told me to do, but everything was going wrong. That pressure became so much and I was ready to say forget it. I doubted myself, my gift, my assignment and was over it all. Then God gave me this word… So I encourage you as I encourage myself. Keep going. Don’t give up now. One more push and you get through the ring of fire just one more push and on the other side is your baby. Whatever that thing is that God gave you to birth, is on the other side of the ring of fire. This is me, acting as a birthing coach telling you to push baby push. You’re almost there just one more push. Take a 10 seconds rest Bear down Hold your breath in and PUSH!
It’s funny how God speaks sometimes. Well to me at least. More often than not it’s not audible. There isn’t a deep voice that comes from the sky and tells you everything you need to know. How dope would that be? Maybe just scary I was out with the girls riding their scooters. The ones they just got for Christmas and they were so excited to ride. Jia’s scooter is different from Kennedi’s. They are both pretty cool scooters though. You can use them for the same thing, but they are each designed specifically for each child. Kennedi has a 3 wheeled scooter. She is only 4, so she can’t balance as well as my 10-year-old Jia. Jia’s scooter has two wheels. It’s faster but requires more knowledge and more control. They are still… both scooters. As we are riding around the neighborhood, Jia is ahead of us and Kennedi keeps trying to catch up to her big sister. I get it. I am the youngest too. I always wanted to do what my older brother was doing. So does Kennedi. There she and her little legs were, kicking as fast as she could trying to catch up. But she couldn’t match her sister’s pace. Every time she would try to go the same speed as her sister, she lost control and almost fell over. Every. Single. Time. Kennedi’s scooter wasn’t made to go that pace and she couldn’t control it at that pace. Her scooter was made to go the pace specifically for her, one she could handle, one that would give her the ability to navigate with ease, one that she had the skills to ride. Kennedi didn’t realize that. She continued to try and catch up to her sister. In Kennedi’s mind, Jia’s speed was better and more fun. The more she tried the more she failed. When she would go at a regular speed, she would glide like she was riding a cloud. But Kennedi was so focused on catching her sister, even though she kept falling and kept having to stop because she lost control, she couldn’t enjoy riding. The scooter she begged for, that she just had to have lost all its magic and she no longer wanted to even ride it. How many of us are like Kennedi? Frustrated because we tried to go someone else’s pace but kept falling and now we are dissatisfied because we can’t “catch up”. Let me make it plain All our friends are getting engaged, buying houses, having families, and you’re single trying to finish a degree. You’re trying to catch up to some false success ideology because the people you see in your circle of influence are there and you think that you are missing out. Or maybe you are like I was. Maybe you asked God for something and he gave it to you just in a different form, but you can’t enjoy it because you are trying to go someone else’s pace. I was so busy focused on their race I felt like I missed out on something. While I am at home being “supermom” (really being exhausted and desperately needing a break) they have important titles and are getting promotions. Promotions and titles that I would have attained had I never left my job. I knew God called me to write. I was called to start this blog a while ago. And he attached people to me with the same gift. I was so busy trying to catch up I got overwhelmed and accomplished nothing. But that wasn’t my pace or my lane. God graced me to be exactly where I am. He put me here at this time in this year to do exactly what I am called to do. He has done the same for you. Stop looking at them, stop trying to catch up to them. You aren’t going to because that is not what you have been graced for and that’s ok. Your race is important too. You are needed too. Whatever God has called you to do is for a purpose. God is not in a rush you are! God needs that thing from you at His appointed time. Not yours, not the world’s time but His time. Allow Him to lead and guide your race. Had Kennedi just listened to me she wouldn’t have kept falling and could have had enjoyed her scooter. Instead, the entire time we were outside, she spent it trying to catch up, going the wrong pace losing control and falling. Do that at the pace He said. He isn’t confounded by time and His pace is the perfect pace. Don’t fall off your scooter! Be Encouraged
Both of my children were blessed with beautiful thick curly hair. Kennedi’s hair is super long, reaching the tip of her lower back down to her buttock’s region. She has these very tight curls that easily get all tangled up. Especially when they are dry, they coil together and can become matted if left untouched, or un-moisturized. She absolutely loves her hair, but she hates the process of having it done. She is what we call in my culture, “tender headed.” The mere sight of a comb sends her wailing into despair. But she loves the finished product of having her hair done. It doesn’t matter if it is braided with beads that she can shake, flat ironed with curls she can bounce around, in ponytails and bobo’s, or in an afro, she loves the finished product. It does something to her, she will stare in the mirror in a deep gaze once it is done. Usually, her face is red and there is snot running down her nose from all the crying and screaming she did moments prior. But once she sees the finished result she is always in awe, like it gave her an extra boost of confidence. But the process…. It is painful… for her As a mom, I hate hearing her cry in pain. Now sometimes her wailing is just her being extra dramatic, and then sometimes the detangling process can pull on her scalp which will make her cry. As much as it pains me to hear my child cry, in order to keep her hair healthy and growing it must go through the process of being washed, conditioned, deep conditioned (depending on how it looks), rinsed, detangled, blow dried, and then styled. It’s not easy, I’m not trying to hurt her, that is not the plan, but she must go through the process. Just like Kennedi, we all want the end result of the process but don’t want to go through the process because it is painful. That is where I was in my journey to purpose….It HURT Like really bad! I didn’t want to be in the process anymore. I want the end result, I want to get to the point on this journey where I am no longer struggling in any area of my life, Motherhood, Marriage, Ministry, or Mompreneurship. I want my books to be done and my blog up functioning and thriving. I want emotionally healthy kids and to be emotionally healthy myself. I want the end results, oh but the process. The process is long and hard, and it hurts! It hurts to struggle with your finances and try to figure out who gets paid this pay period. My husband is a real-life super-hero, they just don’t pay him like one and being down to one income is HARD! It hurts to try to help my 10-year-old navigate her emotions in this pre-pubescent stage of life she has entered all the while still teaching her to be respectful and virtuous. To allow her to be a child maintaining her innocence yet also teach her responsibility and accountability, and build her self-esteem, and confidence in who she is and who she will become. That is exhausting and frustrating and can hurt. Because as a mom we all question if we are doing it right. Process. I see the people and their success and sometimes struggle with coveting. I mean I am following what God called me to do, so why am I struggling this way? Why is she (social media person) or he (young pastor) so successful? Look at their house and kids. But what we often fail to see, what we can’t see, is the process it took to get there. So, what do you do when the process is painful, and you are ready to tap out? When you are hanging by a thread onto your last little piece of hope thinking to yourself it must get better. Tie a knot at the end and hold on. There are three things I know for sure about the process. 1.) It doesn’t last forever. For a period it can be painful, frustrating, seemingly hopeless, long, and any other tiring adjective you want to put on it, but it is temporary. When I do Kennedi’s hair I am not there doing it for an infinite amount of time. There is a specific time frame (because I have more than one head of hair to do with being a mom of all girls, including my own) that it will take to get it done. Once it is finished, it is finished. So, know the process is TEMPORARY. 2.) It is necessary. It has to happen. I have to wash and condition and detangle Kennedi’s hair. Imagine me not ever washing her hair. All the things that she could catch and that could potentially harm her if I did not wash it. All the bacteria and germs that could come from it. Not only that, I would have cut it off. Without detangling her hair, it would become so matted and stuck together that my only recourse would be to shave her head. This would hurt her even more. The process that you are in is developing something in you. Something you need for the next phase of your journey or something you need to let go of in order to get to the next phase of your journey. Whatever it is producing or cleansing it is necessary. God would not allow it to happen if it wasn’t. I heard a saying from one of my college friends she said on one of her live streams. “If it’s not good God isn’t done.” Think about that. 3.) The joy of the end result is greater than the pain of the process Think about the process of being pregnant. If you have never been pregnant, let me tell you, that 9-10-month process is not for the faint of heart. Although all pregnancies are different, there are certain things that one will experience through that process. The sickness, the pain, the uncertainty. You lose control of your body, it begins doing things you didn’t even realize was possible. Oh and the pain… I was in my third trimester writing this and the pressure from the baby bearing down into my pelvis was so strong I had to place an icepack on my lady parts… But the end result, the joy of meeting my newest princess and holding her and loving her it far outweighs all of the pain the pregnancy sent me through. Just like Kennedi’s hair. Once I am done she is no longer focused on the pain she had to go through to get that cute hairstyle that she asked for and loves. Instead, she is now looking in the mirror, smiling at herself, telling me how much she loves it and how I am the best mom. Mind you 5 minutes prior I was the worst person ever that was hurting her, so she was screaming her head off. But that is it. The Joy of the end result heavily outweighs the pain of the process. The more painful the greater the joy! I know the process that I am in is producing something so great and releasing things that needed to be released years ago. This is very painful. There are many nights and days that I have tears streaming down my face asking God what He is doing. So if you are going through a process, if you are at the point where you just can’t hold on any longer, tie a knot! When I tell you the breakthrough is around the corner it is. When I tell you He is not far from you and it will soon be over it will! I know you can’t see it because you are in it. But trust Him! Trust Him! You need to tell yourself over and over and until you believe it so strongly that nothing that comes against you can shake you. God Has a plan, He is in control, and He has your BEST interest at heart. Something you can hold on to: Romans 8:28 All things work TOGETHER for the GOOD of those that love the Lord. Proverbs 3:5 Lean NOT unto YOUR OWN understanding. But in ALL your ways acknowledge Him and He WILL direct your paths Jeremiah 29:11 I KNOW the plans I have for you! Plans to PROSPER you and NOT to harm you. To give you a HOPE and a Future. James 1:2-4 Count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work that you may be perfect and complete LACKING NOTHING.
