In a session with my therapist, she told me I was safe to come undone. That was powerful. I was “safe” to come undone, to be vulnerable, to release, to let go. I did just that. I immediately begin to cry because I was holding on to so much pain. Pain from the past that God was revealing to me and pain from the present. How did she know I was holding it in? Is it because she is also a black woman born in a generation before me who has been taught the same detrimental theology? Has she also felt the weight of expectation on her shoulders to take on the burdens of the world with a smile on her face even though it hurts like hell? Never complaining, never wavering, never having a moment to be weak. Why did she have to tell me I was safe to come undone? Simple, I was raised to be a soldier just as she was. My life experience as a child, coupled with my upbringing taught me I had to be hard. That life did not give you the time or the opportunity to become emotional. Simply put, being emotional wasn’t a luxury I could afford. I was the only girl being raised in a house of men. They didn’t do crying or emotions (besides anger), and if I wanted to be accepted then I needed to put on this armor and take whatever life threw my way. Yet still, armor and all, I was labeled as emotional and told how much of a bad thing that was. This is a recurring theme in our culture. It has become customary to teach women that we are too emotional and must be strong all the time. We can never show any weakness; we can’t cry too much… You know the motto, “Be twice as smart, work twice as hard” just to get the same as our counterparts. We are taught, not only to be breadwinners and get an education, but also have and raise children, run a whole household, and be a helpmate, helping our spouses with their vision and their purpose. And do it all with a smile. We are expected to work like we don’t have children and raise children like we don’t work. Never taking a break, caring for everyone else besides ourselves. We are the ranking leaders of higher education, entrepreneurship, single parenthood, and heart disease. I don’t think I have met a black woman with children who hasn’t had a ridiculous schedule that seems entirely too much for one person. Maybe this is generationally passed from our ancestors who were forced to be strong as they watched their men beaten and hung and their children snatched away. Only to have to nurse and raise the children of their slave masters. Maybe that’s where this superhuman-like soldier strength came from. They also weren’t allowed to be weak, because that would have gotten them killed. But soldiers cry too. This past weekend I was presented with a situation that reminded me of this detrimental ideology that is literally killing us. I was keeping news some bad news away from my eldest daughter. I wanted to present the information to her in an atmosphere that allowed her to feel what she needed to feel, to cry, scream, process, and just become undone. I also needed her to maintain focus as she takes her Milestones, but she accidentally overheard a conversation and found out. So, like any good mother would after I calmed down from being angry about how she found out, I dropped everything to create the atmosphere she needed. I was in the middle of getting ready to go out with my family. I was being rushed, as is custom, but I had to nurse the baby, change her, then change her clothes, dress the 4-year-old (which is a fight), make sure my oldest had all her medication and didn’t have on some crazy outfit, pack the baby bag, and try to make myself not look like I was hanging by a thread, although I was. So, when a male in my family kept coming in rushing me knowing what was taking place, I became infuriated. I became infuriated because he was perpetuating the same mindset that I have spent years unlearning. He said to me, “Ok, that is over now, Let’s go.” It took every ounce of the Holy Ghost in me to exhibit self-control and just not completely snap. My daughter broke down, I broke down and we needed that moment to be emotional. But instead, it was quickly swept under the rug and we were told to keep it moving. It is like being shot and someone giving you a band-aid and saying "Now go back to work." When does my daughter get the time to process, feel and be vulnerable? Why are black and brown girls just expected to suck it up and keep going? In my journey of unlearning and becoming, I relearned the importance of not being strong all the time, that it is ok to not be ok. Now, I am raising my girls to not only be strong but to be weak and vulnerable. My children will know and understand there is strength in allowing yourself to feel. In the right time in the right place with the right people. No, everyone should not see you sweat but you must allow yourself the opportunity to process your emotions, and no one has a right to take that away from you. I am teaching them that there is healing and release in crying and it is ok to be weak. True strength is knowing regardless of how much you can handle, you can also allow yourself a moment to be weak. You, yes you reading this, are allowed to have your moments of weakness! In our weakness, He is made strong -2 Corinthians 12:9 That means it is OK to not be strong all the time. It is OK to need a break, to feel weak to cry. When you feel that you can’t take anymore and you can’t do it, there is someone who is there waiting for you to tag them in, there is someone there with a never-ending source of power and love that will empower you if you tap into it. There is someone there willing to give you rest and they will fight for you when you can’t fight for yourself. So, cry like the soldier you are. Take your moment, then get up and keep fighting like a girl. If the King of Kings can cry, so can you! Be Encouraged .

Yesterday was the 4th of July. It is the day America celebrates no longer being under British rule. Americans celebrate by having barbeques, family gatherings, and shooting fireworks. I have a love-hate relationship with fireworks. They are beautiful once ignited and they come in designs and styles that can light up the sky. They are also extremely dangerous, illegal in some states, and sound a lot like gunshots. Nevertheless, my two oldest kids wanted to watch and set off their own fireworks. We bought some small but very loud fireworks for them to enjoy. Other people in our neighborhood also bought fireworks. It was a show. You could look in every corner and see these beautiful light shows. Nothing particularly near our house, rather off in the distance there were fireworks galore. Once we finished shooting our small-batch, my kids wanted more. They wanted to go down and through the neighborhood and join in on the fun. If you live in Atlanta, you know that people just don’t shoot fireworks, they also shoot guns. Don’t ask me why. I don’t understand the point of celebratory gunfire. I don’t even understand why we call it celebratory gunfire. This celebratory gunfire doesn’t always end in celebration. There are too many stories of people dying by stray bullets from this form of gunfire. Every year during New Year's Eve and the 4th of July, the police department issues a warning. One that people often and seemingly always ignore. My children can’t tell the difference between the sound of a firework and a gunshot. Gratefully they haven’t grown up in an environment where they can recognize the sound of a gun. I have. My husband also happens to be a first responder. He also can distinguish the sound of a gun from a firework. So, the moment in which we realized it wasn’t the sound of fireworks anymore it was gunshots we decided it was time to go in the house and call it a night. We let the girls stay up past their bedtime anyway and now it was time for bed. When I gave them their last call, “ 15 more minutes and then it is time to go inside” here came the “But Mom” complaints and questions. They wanted to get a closer look, to be right upfront in the action. We could see all the fireworks from our yard, even through the tall trees that stand in between our houses. Still, they wanted to be closer, up close, and personal. They asked if we could walk down the street and get a little closer. Then they asked if we could just drive through the neighborhood. They kept asking, in different ways in different forms. Then, as kids who want what they want and can’t get it do, they started to complain. “It’s not fair!”, “Why can’t we go a little closer?” “We will be fine Mom.” Then they tried to convince me of ways it would be ok. “We can take a flashlight.” “It is not that late, what if we just go down the block a little?” They were so busy complaining about how far they couldn’t go, that they were missing what they were allowed to do. They were missing the beauty in what they had access to and what they could see right now. They were so busy trying to muscle their way out of the confines of their boundaries that they couldn’t see or recognize all they were able to do and receive within their boundaries. The moment those words left my lips the Holy Spirit arrested me. We, children of God are the same way at times. We get so caught up in what God doesn’t allow us to do that we completely miss everything we are allowed to do and experience where we are. We are so busy trying to climb over them and push down the gates of the boundaries He has placed us in that we miss the assignment we are currently in. We ignore the beauty of it, the lessons, the opportunity to grow. We somehow think being outside the boundary is so much better than being within. As I explained to my children ( Yes, I am that parent that believes in talking to my children, so they have clarity and understanding) boundaries are meant to protect you. Dad and I are protecting you because what you hear isn’t just fireworks. There are people somewhere near shooting off guns. We know because of the laws of gravity what goes up must come down and when it comes down, I don’t want us to be near it. So that is why we can’t go trolleying through the neighborhood. I want to encourage you that God isn’t being mean when He denies you that “thing” you want so badly. He isn’t being unfair or cruel, He is however protecting His children. You may not be able to see from what, but if you trust that He has your best interest at heart, if you trust that He will not withhold any good thing from you that is purposeful (Psalm 84:11) then you can be safe and secure in His boundaries. It is an awfully hard space to be in when what we want doesn’t align with what He has for us. I can assure you His plans are ALWAYS better. Sometimes boundaries aren’t just protecting us from outside harm they are protecting us from ourselves and our immaturity. Sometimes we aren’t ready to handle the things we want. There are still things we need to do, ways in which we need to grow to be able to fully handle what God has for us. Boundaries aren’t barriers to keep good things from us, they are God’s way of protecting us. Once I had a conversation with my daughters and explained what they were hearing and why we couldn’t go see what they wanted, they were able to see what they were missing in their moments of murmuring and complaining. They were able to enjoy what we could do, and we had a great night. I want to encourage you to take a step back, stop focusing on what you think you can’t have, what you feel you need, and see all that God is giving you now. Stop and see all that God is doing now. Rest in the fact that He wants and has good things for you, His timing is always perfect, and He is a good, good father that gives good gifts to his children. Stop and see the fireworks through the trees. Meditate on these Scriptures: Jeremiah 29:11 Proverbs 16:9 Matthew 6:26-34 John 15:16 Philippians 1:6 Philippians 4:19

If you were to survey women who gave birth vaginally without an Epidural (the medication given via a needle in the back to temporarily block the nerve endings from the waist down) to see what was the worst part of labor, I am sure they would all say the ring of fire. Not the contractions, whether they were in your back or not, not round ligament pain, not the baby kicking. It was the ring of fire. All of the aforementioned pregnancy symptoms hurt, they can even be excruciating and debilitating. But nothing feels like the ring of fire. Honestly, most women don’t really remember all the pain leading up to giving birth or even during birth regardless of the means of birth. Once we see what produced from the pain of labor, the actual pain is often forgotten. But everyone remembers the ring of fire. The ring of fire happens just as the head of the baby is crowning. What do I mean by that? *WARNING* (This may be TMI) but let’s have a little Biology lesson. The baby is pushed from the uterus where it has been for the past 38-40 weeks once it is ready to come out. In order for the baby to be pushed by the uterus into the vaginal canal, the uterine muscles must contract. Ever get a Charlie horse? Well, labor contractions are like that times 1000. They are painful. They start mild in preparation for labor then once a woman is in full blown labor they come like a rushing flood. The purpose of the contraction is to push the baby into the place that it must travel in order to be born. The contractions of the uterine wall also begin to open the cervix, where the baby actually comes out from. So while painful, even excruciating these contractions aka labor pains play a crucial and vital role in the delivery of the baby. If there aren’t any contractions then there isn’t anything that will push the baby into the place from which it needs to go in order to be born. -Let me pause for a moment so we can digest this. Although the pain you just experienced is excruciating, it is necessary because it is what is pushing you into birthing your purpose or becoming reborn yourself. With every contraction and every inch closer down the canal, the woman is feeling pressure. Pressure against her cervix and this pressure is uncomfortable. So not only is she experiencing the pain from the contractions but also the pressure from the baby moving towards the cervix. But it is that force of pressure that will aid in the birth of the baby just like that force is aiding you, and during this time she still can’t push. She has the urge to push, she wants to push, she feels like she needs to push but she can’t because the final place where the baby will be birthed from is not ready yet. A woman can’t begin to push until her cervix is fully dilated (opened) large enough for the baby’s head to get through. Now it is time to push. That final place is fully opened; the time for the baby to be born has finally come. The doctors are in position, and everyone is ready. So she begins to push, she pushes with the pressure, she pushes with the pain of each contraction, she pushes. It is hard, she wants to quit because it is so hard but she can’t. If she quits in the middle of pushing the baby dies and that baby has a purpose, that baby has a destiny that baby has an assignment. So she keeps pushing and right before the baby crowns, right before the baby is birthed, right when the head begins to peek through and it seems like finally, that time has come, she feels the ring of fire. It is said to be the worst, most intense pain of vaginal labor. When the lady parts feel like someone has thrown gasoline on them and lit a match. This is the moment where her screams get the loudest before a deep sigh of relief. The ring of fire, where all hell has just turned loose in your life. See things were all good about a week ago, (a week ago), you felt the pressure, you felt the pain but you could handle it. You didn’t have any extra money but all your bills were paid. Where you got bad news, but your faith said to trust God, so you kept smiling, where not one of your children were misbehaving so you kept pushing. But you just pushed right into that ring fire. Now what. Now your money is funnier, your marriage has hit a pothole turned upside down and you almost fell off. Last week you couldn’t live without each other and all of a sudden an offense from two years ago has come back up and now ya’ll are sleeping in separate rooms. Your loved one is sick, your children are going through something, or just acting a plum fool (that’s the country in me) every day it is something different. You have pushed so long and so hard trying to birth what you know God called you to birth and you are tired and weary and ready to throw in the towel. I mean you just can’t take any more. Maybe it’s trying to finish that degree, getting a promotion on your job, moving to a new state. Whatever He gave you. Maybe it isn’t outward pressure maybe it is inward. Maybe you’re battling personal insecurities. Maybe a fear has been brought up inside of you that you didn’t even know you had. Maybe you are battling being jealous of the people in your circle of influence because you think they are where you want to be, maybe you are battling self-doubt, self-identity, self-abuse ( did you know you could abuse your own self), maybe you are wondering if you are good enough, or maybe you keep reliving something. But it’s your mind that is causing you the pressure and making you want to quit. You are in the Ring of Fire and you need to fight through and keep pushing. Fight Through This This is the moment where It. Gets. Real. Doubt creeps in confusion creeps in; everything around you just begins to crumble. I get it. I became so frustrated that I threw my mouse at my computer (it didn’t break Thank God) But I was at my wit's end. I know what God told me to do, but everything was going wrong. That pressure became so much and I was ready to say forget it. I doubted myself, my gift, my assignment and was over it all. Then God gave me this word… So I encourage you as I encourage myself. Keep going. Don’t give up now. One more push and you get through the ring of fire just one more push and on the other side is your baby. Whatever that thing is that God gave you to birth, is on the other side of the ring of fire. This is me, acting as a birthing coach telling you to push baby push. You’re almost there just one more push. Take a 10 seconds rest Bear down Hold your breath in and PUSH!

I was interviewed for a new documentary series I had the honor and pleasure to be a part of. I was extremely nervous as it was the first time I have ever done anything like that. Let me be the first to tell you if no one else has, walking in your purpose can be terrifying. Not like you are afraid terrifying but like you know you are on the right path and you are so excited and nervous to see what God is going to do through you that it can become terrifying. Keep walking anyway. So as we were talking about identity I started to speak on the elephants. Not actual elephants but metaphorical ones. Interestingly, African Elephants grow to be the largest type of elephant weighing upwards to 13000 lbs. They are big majestic God made creatures with beauty and amazing traits, they are also those things that we tend to ignore. The elephants that I am referring to are those topics, behaviors, patterns, traumas, pains, hurts, and insecurities that we refuse to admit and heal from. You know, the ones that we avoid talking about because it is so much easier to go on with life as if they never existed, or so we think. These are either generationally passed down or they are new. What we fail to realize is how large and heavy elephants grow to become. Baby elephants are cute and cuddly. They also weigh 200lbs at birth. Yes, 200lbs, that is an entire person. They just continue to grow bigger and bigger and stronger. The metaphoric elephants in our life are the same way. They started small, but they are staring us in the face every single day. We leave them, walk around them, ignore them and they began to grow and mature into adult elephants. (The 13000lnb ones) Initially, the weight is heavy but manageable. It isn’t really affecting your behaviors, your mind, or your relationships yet. But, the more it grows the harder it is to get around, even if you CHOOSE to still ignore it. Eventually, you will begin to hit it, and it will begin to push back into other things in your life, your thoughts, your words, and your actions. It will begin to affect every area in your life, especially your relationships. You can’t get close to someone because there is this big elephant of abandonment, rejection, mommy issues, daddy issues, abuse, and neglect (insert your elephant here). You can’t control your temper because that elephant sitting on your chest, the one that was the initial cause of your anger (your mother not being there for you and loving you as you needed her too) you haven’t dealt with it. So now your children pay the price of the weight, and you can’t love them like then need it and their elephants begin to form and take shape all because you couldn’t deal with yours. The cycle begins. Ignored elephants, birth more elephants, that birth more elephants. Until you disrupt the cycle. Until you look your elephant square in the eyes and face it head-on. This is how you break generational cycles. Recognize your elephants. -The more you walk with God the more He will begin to reveal to you the elephants you have allowed to overstay their welcome. Ask God to search your heart and show you the things that you have hidden and then to lead. Psalm 139:23-24 Face your elephants -This is going to be tough. This is going to be you against you. A broken relationship helped me recognize I had issues with rejection. Then once I recognized that elephant, I had to have a major heart to heart with myself. I had to feel the pain and hurt from where it started and not bury it anymore. Know when you are facing your elephants, although painful, God is right there with you. Isaiah 41:8-10 Release your elephants -You can’t heal from the damage they caused until you release them. That may mean having a conversation with a loved one. That may mean accepting an apology you will never receive. It may mean no longer allowing yourself to be a victim and taking your power back. It means forgiving whoever hurt you, not for them but for you. Matthew 6:14-15, Colossians 3:13 You can’t be the BEST version of yourself if you are surrounded by elephants. Recognize, Face, and Release them. Be Encouraged.